It's Only a Game
by Elegantly
Summary: "If you ever fell in love with me and didn't know how to let me know...you wouldn't have to be dramatic about it. You wouldn't have to snog me senseless; I know you don't have much experience with that. It would be enough if you just wanted to hold my hand." Sirius gives Remus some advice. Just in case he ever needs it.


"Hey, beautiful," Sirius said, taking a seat next to Remus. The map had said Remus was in the kitchens, and sure enough, here he was, seated at a small wooden table close to the fire. "Dinner was so dreary without you. I missed seeing your gorgeous face."

He always did this, always flirted so blatantly. Sometimes he wondered how Remus could fail to see it for what it really was. But no, that was the point of being so obvious, so that if Remus did take him seriously- and if he didn't return the feelings- Sirius could just laugh it off and say it was only ever a game. As long as Remus thought it was a game, he didn't have to stop playing.

Remus blushed a little- oh sweet Merlin, why was he so bloody cute when he blushed?- and said, "Sorry. I just wasn't up to being around people yet." Of course. Full moon last night; Remus always took a day or two to get back on track.

Sirius reached for the mug of drinking chocolate sitting in front of Remus- waving away the house elves' offers to bring him his own- and raised an eyebrow. "Not even me?"

Remus just smirked. "Especially not you."

Sirius sighed melodramatically. "Oh, Moony, you wound me. What do I have to do to gain your love?"

"Not steal my chocolate, for one," Remus said, sliding the mug back to his slide of the table and wrapping his arms around it protectively. And adorably.

"If that's the first thing, what else?"

Maybe there was something different in his tone from the usual playfulness, because Remus looked at him curiously. "I don't know."

"Well, think about it. Write me up a list. _Ten Ways to Gain Moony's Love._ Help a desperate fellow out."

"Poor Padfoot." Remus smiled softly. "This must be new for you; needing help on an assignment. School is usually so irritatingly easy for you."

"If your love is an assignment, it's certainly a more worthwhile one than the usual rubbish the teachers give us. Let's ditch the classes we have now and study you as our new subject. It'll be fun. _Ten Ways to Gain Moony's Love. The Things That Moony Thinks But Doesn't Say. The Things He Wants to Say. _The new school plan is flawless."

"Flawless. Yes, and with so much attention on me, people would start finding out my secret. And I'd have to leave. No education. No future." He sipped his hot chocolate.

It always came back to this, Remus's problem. Sirius hated it. Hated that someone like Remus had to deal with something like this.

But there was no real hopelessness in Remus's eyes; if anything, he sounded as if he was saying the words automatically, putting no thought or despair into them. He wasn't in need of cheering up right now.

"Moony, I'm very worried."

"Why is that?" Remus looked concerned.

"What if I ever fell in love with you?"

Remus's concern left his face, and Sirius could see what he was thinking- more teasing. "You find the possibility of that worrying?"

"Very."

"Simple then. Just don't. There, your problem is solved."

"No, it's not that I don't want to fall in love with you that worries me. It's that if I _did _ever fall in love with you, I wouldn't know what to do about it."

"Well, you're you. I'm sure you'd figure something out."

"Moony, I wasn't kidding when I asked how I could gain your love. I really would like to know the answer."

"_Why?_" Something changed in Remus's expression; it went from quietly amused to frustrated. Vulnerable. "Why are you even asking this?"

There was a moment of quiet.

So many different responses rested on the tip of his tongue.

_Oh, well, you see, Moony, all the games I play? The flirting, the teasing? I think they've become more than just pretend._

_They're more than just games. _

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I'm scared._

He swallowed them all with a grin. "Because I have to be _prepared! _You never know what could happen." He watched Remus carefully as he said it.

The vulnerability disappeared. Still only games, he could see Remus was thinking. And something else came onto his face now. Relief.

Relief, not disappointment.

He shouldn't feel so dismayed by it, not when he'd told himself so many times that it didn't matter if Remus didn't return the feelings- if he didn't, it was just a game anyway- and besides, they were only fleeting emotions on changing expressions, Remus's feelings weren't set in stone, he wasn't refusing him yet-

Remus was speaking.

"I like heights."

A smile spread over Sirius's face. Remus was playing along. Heights...it was a simple sentence Remus had said, but it was enough to set off the fantasies in Sirius's head. On a broom, with Remus, high up in the air. Laughing at the moon because it couldn't take anything away from them, not when they were so high up. Reaching out, touching the stars. With Remus. Maybe it would start raining. They would get wet, but they wouldn't come down yet, and he'd just pull Remus closer. Maybe it would thunder. The lightning would strike around them, dangerously close, illuminating Remus's face, but they wouldn't come down yet, because when they were up with the stars, they were untouchable.

No, that wasn't right. Remus didn't enjoy being in the midst of danger the way Sirius did. He would insist they come down when it started storming. That was okay. He'd be happy to leave the storm if it was what Remus wanted.

They could get chocolate, and get warm by the fire-

"Hey." Remus waved a hand in front of Sirius's face, laughing. "You ask me the ways to my heart, and then don't even listen when I give them to you?"

"Sorry; what did you say?"

"I said I also like snow. Fresh snow. The snow fights and forts we make are fun, but I'd like to just walk in the snow before all the playing dirtied it. If I had someone to walk with."

Heights. Snow. Sirius smiled. "Tell me more."

Remus traced invisible patterns onto his mug for a moment before answering. "I like it when you hug me."

That wasn't quite what he had been expecting to hear. "You do?"

"Yes." Remus didn't blush or falter. He must still think it was a game- as long as what he said didn't carry any real weight, he was fine talking about things like this. It was when things became real that he hesitated. "You don't do it very often, but it's quite pleasant when you do. I dunno...no one's ever hugged me apart from family, and when you do it..." His voice trailed off.

_I don't even have my family to hug me,_ Sirius almost said- even as the words ran through his head he didn't know if it was an invitation for pity or simply an observation- but he didn't say it, because Remus was still talking.

"You hugged me when you told me you knew my secret. It was that, more than anything, that convinced me that you cared."

"That convinced you more than all the times I actually _said _it_, _over and over?"

Remus just shrugged. "Words can lie."

Several responses came to mind, all of them too dangerous to say. Instead he settled for, "You started crying after that."

"Yes, well." Remus sipped his drink, then slid it across the table to Sirius's side. "I was only twelve, and it was all very overwhelming."

Sirius picked up the mug. "You don't have to make excuses."

"Oh, I wasn't." Remus smiled innocently and took his drink back before Sirius was quite finished with it. "I just didn't want you to think it was poor hugging skills on your part that caused the tears. Wouldn't want to damage your self esteem."

Sirius laughed, reaching for the drink at the same time as Remus. Their hands brushed. "You got my robes all wet."

Remus withdrew his hand, letting Sirius claim the drink. "Sorry."

Sirius almost laughed again. Apologizing for something that had not only happened years ago, but also didn't warrant an apology. How very...Remus. "Don't be. You can get my robes wet any time you want."

"That's sweet of you."

He wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being serious, but Remus was smiling at him, so he didn't say anything. It was a little odd- if anyone else had called him sweet he would have taken it as an insult, but with Remus it was different.

There was silence, broken only by the quiet scraping of the mug against the wooden table as it was passed between the two of them. The house elves hadn't stuck around, of course. They wouldn't talk about these things with an audience. Sirius had told the elves before that they didn't have to fawn over him- if he wanted something, he'd find them and tell them. The arrangement worked well- the house elves never minded how much time he spent down here, even if he didn't want anything from them.

"So." Sirius grinned mischievously. "Now I have some pointers. But as long as we're discussing hypothetical situations...what would _you _do if you fancied _me_, Moony?"

Remus shook his head. "I really haven't the faintest clue."

"Come on, Moony, you have to be prepared!" Sirius leaned back in his chair, balancing on its two back legs.

Remus shrugged. "I'd figure something out, if the situation ever arose."

"Y'know, I don't think you would, actually." Sirius sat upright again and looked at Remus thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think you'd do anything about it, if you loved me. I don't think you'd know _what _to do."

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I wouldn't. I've never been in love, so I don't know how I'd react."

"It's a good thing you have me to help you out, then. I'll tell you what you should do if you fell in love with me." Sirius grinned and began to speak, but the look on Remus's face stopped him.

"Sirius." He looked hesitant. "This is still hypothetical, right?"

_Only if you want it to be._ "Of course," Sirius agreed easily. "I think next we should plan what we'd do in the hypothetical event that Snape magically turned into a nice person and wanted to become a Marauder."

He took a sip before beginning.

"Everyone thinks I'm a pretty extreme guy. And I am. But the truth is, it's the little things that count the most. Maybe it's because Pureblood families like mine are all about big gestures and public appearances..." His voice grew thoughtful. "I don't know. But you wouldn't have to be dramatic about it. You wouldn't have to make a showy spectacle to let me know how you felt. You wouldn't have to snog me senseless; I know you don't have much experience with that. You wouldn't even have to say you loved me. We wouldn't have to put a name to it. It would be enough if you wanted to hold my hand."

He was quiet for a moment, and then the next words spoke almost of their own accord, without his consent: "If you held my hand, I think I'd die a little bit from happiness."

At some point as he spoke, his eyes had left Remus's face to look at safer places, like the floor. Now, he forced them back up.

Remus was nodding slowly, tracing patterns on the mug again. He didn't look like he was aware he was doing it. "I think..." he said quietly. "I think that might be useful to know."

There was quiet again.

"I'm going to hug you now," Sirius said abruptly, pushing his chair closer to Remus and wrapping his arms around him. "Because you can't tell me you like my hugs and _not _expect me to increase the amount of them."

Remus laughed and leaned closer to Sirius. "Fine by me."

Sirius kept holding onto Remus, though it was more for his own benefit. He'd always teased, they'd always played games, but they'd never talked about it as much as they had now. He almost wished they hadn't. He felt strange. Sad. There was an ache in his chest, one that hadn't existed until he'd told Remus how much he wanted to hold his hand, one that he didn't know how to get rid of. So he just held Remus closer and hoped it would go away on its own.

It didn't. He pulled away.

"I think I'd _hate _being in love with you." He didn't give Remus a chance to answer, just continued, "I wouldn't know what to do about it. I'd try to let you know, but at the same time I'd cover it up with games and pretend and if you ever asked if it was real, I'd just deny it. Because I'd be _scared. _Can you believe that? _Me. _I'd be scared. And not of getting hurt, but of hurting you. That would be all I could think about, that I didn't want to hurt you, and it'd make me unsure of anything either of us says, and I'd _hate _it."

His eyes had remained fixed on Remus's as he spoke. He hadn't looked away this time.

There was something in Remus's eyes, something that tore at Sirius's heart and made him want to rip, break, _destroy _something, anything, as if that would make it go away.

He wanted the pity to go away from Remus's eyes.

And it did, an instant later. But that didn't mean it hadn't been there.

"It's a good thing you don't have to worry about any of that happening," Remus said. "Since all this was hypothetical."

Sirius forced a laugh. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

Remus stood up. "I have to go to the hospital wing; Madam Pomfrey wants to check my wounds again before she discharges me for the month. Walk with me?"

"Sure," Sirius said and stood up. As naturally as if he hadn't just been pouring out his heart to Remus.

It was all just a game, after all.

When they were halfway there, Remus reached over and took Sirius's hand in his. He didn't say anything about it, didn't even look at Sirius as he did so.

Sirius didn't say anything about it either, just held onto the hand in his.

And suddenly, for the moment, everything was okay.

_Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed! If you did, please do leave me a review; they delight me ever so much. It's okay if you don't have much to say, a simple "liked it!" or your favorite line would be awesome. Any requests for more Marauders stories? This was my first one I wrote, and I definitely may write more if people want me to. Thanks! _


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